"I think it's really about something much grander—the sovereignty of God—of which suffering is a subcategory."

In the narrowly constructed hallows of my psyche - Suffering is the name of my book-not a subcategory-having come face to face with a grief too heavy to bear. When you're waist-deep in mire, inching along toward perceived normalcy, it requires all the strength you can muster. Do we really believe God to be who He says He is? Do I really believe God to be who He says He is? Matt Redman says, "Trust is a beautiful act of worship." That it is. Nattie believed that, too - and it's just one of the reasons, I imagine, this song was her anthem.

The admins. decided that we (of COURSE) would send flowers for Nattie's memorial. We made the decision to buy this big ole fancy, colorful, HUGE, beautiful monstrosity of a thing - and send it in her honor. Then the call came from the florist that they ran out of the flowers that were pictured on their website, but they would do their best to substitute with an equal quality of flora.

There were some who were at the memorial, and posted pictures of the flower arrangement from the admins. Holy crap, I could not have been more disappointed. I hated being so petty about stupid flowers (it doesn't matter, they're dead anyway, and Nattie is probably [in Jojo's words] setting up the internet in Heaven, and laughing over me balking over the carnations) In MY opinion, it was ugly and tacky and not at ALL what I thought would represent our love for her and our sorrow over her passing. Daisies were her favorite flower. And they put in these weedy looking things. Coupled with RED roses. And NEON PINK carnations. CARNATIONS, people. The cheapest and tackiest flower on the planet. I HATE carnations. Cheri and I have a mutual hatred of this so-called-flower, so yesterday we all discussed, and snarked over the arrangement and the loathsome carnations and packing peanuts. (Yes, packing peanuts)

Now - Joanne (who was actually at the memorial) said that the pink carnations were not NEARLY as prominent in the arrangement as the photos portrayed. Which is probably true.... I can totally see how those would be particularly LUMINOUS from the flash of the camera. So, that made me feel a little better. Then - to top it off, Cheri emailed us this little tid bit about the pink carnation:

"Pink carnations have the most symbolic and historical significance. According to legend, carnations first appeared on Earth as Jesus carried the cross. Mary shed tears at Jesus's plight, and carnations sprang up from where her tears fell. (Sara's note: blah, blah, blah - so not true, but whatever... it's this next part that really got me:) Thus the pink carnation became the symbol of a mother's undying love."

The florist screwed up.... but God has a strong track record of using screw ups for His glory. His ways are NOT our ways - even when it comes to something as stupid and pointless and petty as a floral arrangement: Natalie loved her babies, and they will carry that love with them forever. The carnations were there, in all their tacky glory, representing her undying love for her children - even in death.

My life is riddled with carnations. Useless, cheap filler. You know - stuff that just gets me by, and fills in the space until I get to where I'm going. But....... God is in the filler. He's taking my crap and working it for His glory, and by His sovereign grace there is poignant significance in the stuff that just seems pointless, meaningless, or difficult to swallow:

• Taking the 17,236th "you've got the wrong number" call of the day.
• Helping a woman go through all of her bills, so that she'll know what she really owes to the hospital.
• Crying with my Mama.
• Putting my fork in the dishwasher.
• Throwing things.
• (particularly *wee tiny packing peanuts* ala Dana)
• Paying my bills on time.
• Getting poop on my shoe.
• Feeling so sad, I think I might die.
• (um, not because of the poop)
• Shunning Kleenex for the absorbency of a full-sized towel.
• Choosing a banana over a candy bar.
• My damn pen refusing to work.
• Sketching haphazardly through a haze of tears and snot.
• Finding long-lost pictures of Nattie.
• Uglyass carnations being put in a floral arrangement.
  

 

"....a mother's undying love."
That sounds about right.